I've been putting off this post for a long time, not because it isn't important, I just hadn't decided whether or not I wanted to actually sit down and write about it. My blog has become less "deep" lately, and while it's still personal and dear to me, I try to keep it very upbeat and post only about the good times, and the happy and fun memories. And that's okay, and generally all this blog has really been. I like to remember the fun times, and in fact, that's what I love most about my life--that while it ISN'T perfect and things never go my way all the time, I can still have a good time and find happy moments. For me, posting hardships and negative experiences seems like such a downer. I certainly don't like remembering painful things, so why would anyone else want to read about it? Now obviously, like I've admitted, my life isn't perfect, and it IS a downer occasionally, and without opposition in all things we wouldn't know true happiness without sorrow. So in a way, I guess I am grateful for my hardships, I just don't like everyone to see my struggle. I mostly fear the judgement that may follow. No one likes to be judged for how they handle the hard times, or to worry about how someone might think of your decision-making skills in life, but I have come to the decision that sometimes it is good to remember how you felt and how you have grown.
Now...before anyone goes and thinks I'm having some sort of crisis, I'm not. This is actually supposed to be a happy post, a celebratory post of sorts, because I'm writing this to remember that I am no longer a part-time mom. My wish was granted, I quit my job, and now I am a full-time, stay-at-home, mom.
The guilt of working with two young children, driving them back and forth from babysitters, giving my job as mother to someone else, was my hardship. Not knowing when or if the opportunity would ever come for me to have my dream job was my sorrow. The process of quitting, afraid of the unknown, whether we could support ourselves on just one income, was my struggle. And now it's all over. Prayers were answered, and I feel so blessed.
Jeff got a promotion in January, with a pay increase, within the same company he'd been working with for the past 13 years. It was different from anything he'd ever done before, a desk job in purchasing logistics. He struggled, but thought he would like it better over time as he learned more and got more familiar with the work, just like he had with all his other promotions. It didn't get better and he was miserable. By March he was coming home every night defeated and overly stressed. He turned to his old missionary companion, who lives a few blocks from us, and owns his own business, for help. He'd previously offered Jeff a job, and now Jeff was seriously considering it. I was not. I was comfortable with the job he had which provided a steady paycheck, a reliable set of working hours, and a safe reputation. None of which, I felt, this other job would present. But, despite my misgivings, Jeff felt it was the right thing to do and was so overjoyed with his new prospects, that one Monday in March he quit his job at Cactus and started his new job the next day. Even with his positive outlook, and all his confidence, it took me over a month to decide that I could quit my job at Target. Isn't that funny? All I'd ever wanted since becoming a mom was the opportunity to stop working, and as soon as I it was given to me, I was hesitant. But I felt as if I was giving up a lifeline. If anything had ever happened to Jeff and his job was compromised, I knew I could work full-time to support us. And I was leaving that safeguard behind. I was letting it go. And it terrified me.
Obviously, I eventually took that "leap of faith" and did quit my job, and it really wasn't as terrifying as I imagined. Well, maybe a little...
(Losing my 10% discount was a major blow, though, haha!)
But honestly, I am so happy. Even the adjustment of being with the boys all the time hasn't been too hard. (Though, I have been traveling non-stop it seems for the past month, another bonus to not working). Mostly I am thankful. I'm thankful to Jeff for his hard work, I'm thankful to Heavenly Father for blessing our family, and I'm thankful to everyone who supported me or our family in some way while I was working, moral support, mental support, all of the above. Thank you.
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